Some donors are great, others are just dicks.

Here we are again, you reading and me having a bit of a moan.

D2 has turned into a complete dick, the first month was great but we didn't get pregnant. The second month was not great.

In the few days running up to ovulation day we made sure we text him to keep him in the loop about when we were expecting it to finally happen and he was fine, mentioned nothing about not being able to make the probable date and even offered to arrange to come to us on the probable day without waiting for the positive test. We declined saying that we wanted to make sure it definitely was that day before arranging anything for certain.

The day came and we were right so we text him and left work in preparation for him coming over to us (he had wanted to arrange for coming over straight away). Almost 2 hours went by and we had heard nothing from him at all so we sent him another text. He replied saying (and i quote), 'Not thinking, i made an appointment for this afternoon. And then out for a meal with a friend. If i'm back fairly early, i'll let you know. Otherwise can we do it tomorrow? x"

We were so pissed off so text him saying that wasn't an option, we'd had time off work etc etc. In the end he came round 7 hours later than he had originally tried to arrange to come round. Pissed off was an understatement.

So that month doesn't work so we text and say so and get the 'better luck next time' text in reply. About 10 days later we text to say it's likely to be in about 6 days, do you have any issues with that? He texts back a couple of days later saying he was on holiday at the moment but will be in touch when he's back but he's already donating to someone the evening before we wanted one. Holiday!? What holiday?! First we've heard of it!

After that my wife ovulated 4 days earlier that expected and he wasn't back from holiday but D1 had offered to step in if we were ever in need and did so. He's so cool, we miss him a lot.

We didn't get pregnant again. We decided to email D2 just to check that we're on the same page and that the 'misunderstandings' of the last couple of months were just that. He responds saying that he doesn't believe that there have been any misunderstandings then goes on to say that because we've been trying with him for a while we should consider a 'different method'. FUMING. How can he not see that he's not only screwed us around but has also had some serious clashing going on and hasn't bother to mention it, it's not like it can mess up our chances of getting pregnant or anything! Dick.

After that we've emailed saying we're going to try and find someone else.

So we're back to square one and emailing endless men asking for a pot of extra fertile, do it in one, spunk.

30+ emails sent, 4 replies. 1 from a guy who is doing what i can only call an attempt at a sexy pose. 1 from someone on a site we can't see properly because we haven't paid the £30+ subscription fee. 1 from D2 but we've no idea which site we accidentally emailed him through!! The last one has come from a guy that is reminding us of D1 a lot, it's going to be interesting to see how this one turns out...TBC

10 things they don't tell you about being a lesbian and trying for a baby...

We're 2 years in from making the decision to start a family, almost 18 months since our first insemination and thought now would be a good time to do a list like this, keep it in mind that we're doing AI at home....

10) It can take what feels like FOREVER!! We've been at this for a while now and we're far from alone. When it takes more than 6 months you start to question how long it will take, whether or not it will ever even happen and it can really start to get you down.

9) Relaxation never truly happens. How many times have you heard people say, "if you stop trying and relax it'll happen, that's what we did." It doesn't necessarily work that way, it really doesn't. We now don't get anywhere near as anxious as we did in the beginning but we still do to a certain extent and that doesn't really have any say in whether or not we'll be having a baby in 9 months.

8) The comments from the 'smug' parents and parents to be. So many people we know have offered advice and made comments about what we can do to make sure we get pregnant. These comments have ranged from slagging off our first donor (completely infuriated me for the record) to the ever philosophical, "it'll happen when the time is right." Sometimes it's so hard to not tell people to shove their comments where the sun don't shine!

7) Cervical mucus enters into everyday conversation. Seriously, when getting towards ovulation day it's, "Has your plug come away yet? Is it stretchy?? Are we at egg white consistency yet?!?!" You name it, i've asked the question and/or inspected said mucus just to be sure. After doing this several times, i now know when i'm ovulating!

6) Pregnancy test companies do a hell of a lot of advertising. There's not a day that goes by where we don't see a TV ad for a pregnancy test or other....especially when aunt flow is about to show up!

5) What you have to do to put the stuff in place. Whether it's checking you've got the right place or depth perception or getting the angle right....it's a tricky (sometimes uncomfortable) business.

4) Donors aren't necessarily what they seem to be.... There's uber donors (as we have spoken about before), guys who say all the right things then expect something completely different in return, guys that think they can post their stuff (that one confused us too), guys that let you down, guys that don't want to meet up at all (they like to leave their stuff outside a locked hotel room or a parked empty car) and goodness knows how many other varieties. Make sure all sides know what they're letting themselves in for in full before going ahead with anything.

3) Once you start trying, 'romance' doesn't quite feel the same unless one of you has raised hips...totally feels like you forgot to do something.

2) You're asking someone to masterbate for you, in your own home, (in our case) our future children's bedroom. This last month our donor almost went into detail about why it had taken him longer than normal this time around....i almost ran away with my fingers shoved in my ears shouting "LALALALALALA!!!" Dude, we know you come round to our house to wank off...don't share the details!!

1) Sperm is rank. It's smelly, warm and looks a little like chinese sweetcorn soup without the sweetcorn.  If i accidentally get a whiff, it get's to my gag reflex instantly so i now have to cover my face before getting it in to make sure it doesn't happen. Vomiting before 'romance' doesn't go down too well (so i've been told).

13....unlucky for some??

So at long last we've done the deed and inseminated my wife For the 13th time in 15 months. It's been a really bizarre series of events in the lead up to it though.

I had the week from hell, starting in cancelling work for the day due to the crappy weather, then I had a car accident (not serious) and then the guy that needed to pass his test in order for me to get paid for my weeks work failed. Couple that lot with my wife getting a phone call at 10pm telling her she may need to go into the office because there's been a major screw up, all in all, a seriously shitty week!

Well on top of that my wife's ovulation was running really late (she usually ovulates between day 13 & 16) but surprisingly I ovulated which is weird because last year, I only ovulated 4 times. With ovulation being so late D2 couldn't do ovulation day so we had to go a day early.

He came round and it was really awkward because we don't really know each other. We checked his certificate and along with his driving license. Turns out, he has a really funny surname!

Anyway, we got everything into place and now it's hoping for the best, fingers crossed that in a few weeks time we'll be happily expecting.

New Year, New Start!

Last time i blogged, i mentioned that we were considering changing things up a bit and seeing how things go.

Well the new year has arrived and after talking to D1 (our first donor) we have decided that we're going to try someone else. He was lovely about it, so supportive and wants to keep in touch with us which suits us perfectly because over the last year or so we have developed a friendship with him. We're both upset about it because what we had with him was the perfect set up for us but we need to know if it's him or us and this is the simplest way to know.

We started looking on Co-Parentmatch.com and Prideangel.com last week and emailed a few people. We didn't really get any replies until we emailed a guy about 30 minutes away from us. He was happy to talk to us about things and suggested that we meet up.

We met this evening in a McDonalds and he seems lovely. We asked everything we needed to ask and he answered everything really well. He is quite shy which surprised us but that's not an issue, he's more than happy to donate for siblings in the future too. He has a few donor children, one couple had identical twin girls with him which is exciting as he and my wife have twins in the family....we've always fancied twins, lol!

One thing i have found really weird tonight though is that i feel guilty and almost like i was cheating on D1, it was weird that things with D2 were awkward at first too because we're so used to jumping into a conversation with D1 about anything and everything that it was just bizarre.

All in all we're excited and hoping that it works soon :)

Update...

It's been a really long time since I did a blog, there's quite a bit I need to update you on.

A short while after I did the last blog, our friends had their little boy (one I predicted when they were just 10 weeks pregnant!) and I had the very sudden realisation that when we had the miscarriage, we lost a baby. Up until that point I kind of hadn't dealt with it at all and everything came out all at once and I broke down. I had a week of feeling so down and upset that I didn't know what to do with myself but after talking things through with my wife I felt better.

Up until that point we had both been planning a memorial tattoo for the baby and actually starting to accept what happened and deal with my grief made me want to go ahead with that. I got a star with the babies due date (12/12/12) in it and the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" around it all in black and grey. Since getting it I have found it to be a big big help. It's given me strength going forwards and a way to remember the baby that we loved so much even though we lost him/her so early on.

We have our moments where we will have a bit of a talk and cry but we've kept open with each other and allowed each other to take whatever steps we've needed to deal with it.

We have tried since the London 2012 Olympics and not had any joy. There is a possibility that we have lost again but because we didn't do a pregnancy test and it was even earlier than the last time, we'll never know. My wife's doctor has said that if we're get concerned that it has happened again then she will order some tests to see if there's anything obvious going on.

Other than that, we're still with the same donor but we are considering changing things up in the new year as it's getting to be quite difficult again. We're just worried about changing because our donor is the perfect balance that we always said we wanted but hey, we're going away for a week in December then it's Christmas so we have some time. And who knows, we might not need a new donor!

Taking a Break

Month 8 came and went relatively quickly with no good news. Neither of us really believed that it would work this time, we've both been feeling so down about everything it honestly was no surprise when my wife started her period.

We've gone through every emotion possible on this journey so far and it's been exhausting. The past month we've both been getting a little bitter and almost angry with everything, it's been so so draining.

Because of this and the fact that our donor is an olympic volunteer we're having a month off to re group and focus again. We're in desperate need of it and hopefully when we start again we'll find it easier.

What if??

Before i elaborate, you need to know that we're officially on month 8 as my wife's period came bang on time. In addition, i just want to say that we're not losing hope.

What if it takes years before it works? What if it never works? What if it does work and we end up with 15 in there?? (FTR I know that's not possible) These are the sort of questions going through my head recently.

My brother and sister in law spent 4 years trying for our youngest nephew, I think it would see me mentally exhausted a long time before that but it's a very real possibility. They aren't the only couple that have had to go through it for that long.

What if it never happens? This question scares me, I've never imagined my life without kids and being an Aunty just isn't enough anymore. If we never manage to conceive kids of our own it would be devastating to us, I just mentioned it the other night and we both started to cry, the thought of not having children physically hurts.

We've been discussing having our own children since February 2004, we'd known each other about 14 weeks and had been together 12. It's always been a joint dream, we decided on a name for a boy in 2004 and that sill remains, we love it now more than ever. Our overall plan for a long time has been to have a child each and then adopt siblings, I guess the adoption bit would be our plan if we never managed to have our own.

What if it works and we end up with 15?? Ok so maybe not 15 but what about 4, 5 or even 6?? I honestly think I'd crap my pants when we found out. Talk about overwhelming! Don't get me wrong, we'd be ecstatically happy but terrified at the same time.

I'm hoping we're not the only ones, I guess trying to make a baby makes your mind work in different ways!