18 months on...

All of a sudden, I'm losing hope. Even with the new donor with super sperm, I just don't feel like it's ever going to work. 

No one tells you just what it means when they say that it can take years to conceive and no one explains the emotional toll it takes on you on, it's gut wrenching!

I just don't understand why it's not working, we're timing it perfectly, we're doing everything right before, during and after insemination. My wife is healthy. We're doing absolutely everything we possibly can and yet it still doesn't work & stick. We're pretty convinced that we've had as many as 3 chemical pregnancies on top of the miscarriage and that's starting to worry me. If conception is happening but something isn't working after that, how the hell do we improve things to make it work??

We could go for treatment but we really can't afford the thousands of pounds that it would cost and then the chances of it working are no greater than doing what we currently are. There's very limited access to stuff on the NHS too which is fair but we don't meet the criteria for it.

We sat up last night talking about it all, my wife is blaming herself for everything. That really upsets me because it's just not her fault, she's been so wonderful throughout this whole process and so strong. I couldn't be more proud of her through all of this.

The thought that it may never happen for us is going through my mind more and more at the minute, I know that it's only because we've had another disappointment but no matter how many times people tell us that we're meant to be parents and no matter how much we want it, that doesn't and won't ever make it happen.

Giving up really isn't an option for either of us but finding the strength to go on is near impossible to find at the minute.

Confusion

Last month ended in disappointment after we started getting our hopes up because we thought my wife was having implantation bleeding after starting to spot 4 days before her expected period which confused the crap out of us because she's never spotted that early before.

Now we're 5 days before her expected period and 11dpo and she's spotting again. More confusion, more questions, more stress.

Do not know what to think, half of me is hoping for the best, the other half is trying not to be too disappointed.


This bloody process is torture!!

To my future babies..

I'm your Mummy (not your tummy Mummy though). We haven't managed to conceive you yet but i thought it might be nice to write you a little letter than one day you might even get to read.

We've been trying to make you for a long time now with 3 different people trying to help us, it's been really hard and we have both been really upset about it not happening just yet but we are adamant that it will happen when the time is right and that you're going to be our perfect son or daughter.

I want you to know that i love you so much. I know that sounds weird because you're barely a twinkle  in our eyes at the moment but i do. I've dreamt about you since i was about 13, i've thought about what i'd like to call you (although that's changed a bit over the years), what sort of person you might be and how i'd like to raise you.

Your other Mummy is pretty amazing, she's beautiful and so funny and clever! She makes me so incredibly happy and the fact that she's going to be giving half of your genes makes my heart swell, you're one (or hopefully more) very lucky kid! I dream about what you'll look like all of the time, i hope you've got your Mummy's brilliant blue eyes and her beautiful smile with that cute little dimple that is just perfect.

I'm looking forward to the day we get that positive and we start making real plans for you, decorating the back bedroom, seeing you in the scans, preparing for your arrival. I dream of the day i watch you smile, walk and say your first word. I can't wait to watch you grow, give you a sibling or two or three, and show you as much of the world as possible.

I can't promise you that things will always be perfect or easy growing up, i'm sure at times you'll be furious with me, your other Mummy and/or the world. I can only promise that i'll be there as much as i can possibly be there, you'll always have me to talk to in one way or another and i hope that i always make easy for you to come to me.

I hope more than anything that we get to start preparing for you so very soon.

Mummy loves you, never ever forget that xxx

5am and i can't sleep

I haven't done a post like this in a very long time, today is 16 dpo and my wife is due her period today but we both feel more optimistic than we have done for a long time about the possibility of her being pregnant. 

Basically she's had early spotting, 2 days earlier in her cycle than it has EVER been and it was very light. We're hoping that it was implantation bleeding but we wont be sure until we get a positive test result and that may be another week away yet unless we decide to test earlier (a decision i'm leaving completely up to her). 

I don't know what to think. I don't want to get my hopes up and have them dashed again, i don't want to be too pessimistic, i'm worried in case she is and we get the same thing happen as last time again. 

But at the same time i'm excited....

This could be it!

Change....

The interesting guy got even more interesting. We sent emails back and forth for a few days then decided to have the phonecall.

We were nervous as hell but got our questions sorted and waited for the call. We asked everything we wanted to and more, he answered everything to our satisfaction and asked us lots of questions too. 

Before the phone call he sent us a donor contract to read over that we must agree to before he meets us. We read through it all and are really happy with it, he's been a donor at a clinic for a while (for medical research) and has undergone all of the relevant counselling etc that prepares him for being a donor. The contract basically states that we will not come after him for anything, we will have healthy lifestyles in order to promote a healthy pregnancy and raise our child/children with their wellbeing in mind. 

We're really happy with him and a few days later asked him to be our donor with a view to having a donation at some point within the next week. 

In the end, he could only do Thursday or Friday because he had a commitment to another couple who are trying for a sibling with him and he wont donate to more than one couple/person within 48 hours. This wasn't ideal for us as my wife was looking at ovulating on Wednesday but we it could have worked. When it came down to it, the only night i had off work was Thursday and my wifes ovulation delayed itself until Thursday so it was perfect!

We're now on 13dpo and there's weird stuff going on, fingers crossed it's good weird stuff but we just don't know.

Some donors are great, others are just dicks.

Here we are again, you reading and me having a bit of a moan.

D2 has turned into a complete dick, the first month was great but we didn't get pregnant. The second month was not great.

In the few days running up to ovulation day we made sure we text him to keep him in the loop about when we were expecting it to finally happen and he was fine, mentioned nothing about not being able to make the probable date and even offered to arrange to come to us on the probable day without waiting for the positive test. We declined saying that we wanted to make sure it definitely was that day before arranging anything for certain.

The day came and we were right so we text him and left work in preparation for him coming over to us (he had wanted to arrange for coming over straight away). Almost 2 hours went by and we had heard nothing from him at all so we sent him another text. He replied saying (and i quote), 'Not thinking, i made an appointment for this afternoon. And then out for a meal with a friend. If i'm back fairly early, i'll let you know. Otherwise can we do it tomorrow? x"

We were so pissed off so text him saying that wasn't an option, we'd had time off work etc etc. In the end he came round 7 hours later than he had originally tried to arrange to come round. Pissed off was an understatement.

So that month doesn't work so we text and say so and get the 'better luck next time' text in reply. About 10 days later we text to say it's likely to be in about 6 days, do you have any issues with that? He texts back a couple of days later saying he was on holiday at the moment but will be in touch when he's back but he's already donating to someone the evening before we wanted one. Holiday!? What holiday?! First we've heard of it!

After that my wife ovulated 4 days earlier that expected and he wasn't back from holiday but D1 had offered to step in if we were ever in need and did so. He's so cool, we miss him a lot.

We didn't get pregnant again. We decided to email D2 just to check that we're on the same page and that the 'misunderstandings' of the last couple of months were just that. He responds saying that he doesn't believe that there have been any misunderstandings then goes on to say that because we've been trying with him for a while we should consider a 'different method'. FUMING. How can he not see that he's not only screwed us around but has also had some serious clashing going on and hasn't bother to mention it, it's not like it can mess up our chances of getting pregnant or anything! Dick.

After that we've emailed saying we're going to try and find someone else.

So we're back to square one and emailing endless men asking for a pot of extra fertile, do it in one, spunk.

30+ emails sent, 4 replies. 1 from a guy who is doing what i can only call an attempt at a sexy pose. 1 from someone on a site we can't see properly because we haven't paid the £30+ subscription fee. 1 from D2 but we've no idea which site we accidentally emailed him through!! The last one has come from a guy that is reminding us of D1 a lot, it's going to be interesting to see how this one turns out...TBC

10 things they don't tell you about being a lesbian and trying for a baby...

We're 2 years in from making the decision to start a family, almost 18 months since our first insemination and thought now would be a good time to do a list like this, keep it in mind that we're doing AI at home....

10) It can take what feels like FOREVER!! We've been at this for a while now and we're far from alone. When it takes more than 6 months you start to question how long it will take, whether or not it will ever even happen and it can really start to get you down.

9) Relaxation never truly happens. How many times have you heard people say, "if you stop trying and relax it'll happen, that's what we did." It doesn't necessarily work that way, it really doesn't. We now don't get anywhere near as anxious as we did in the beginning but we still do to a certain extent and that doesn't really have any say in whether or not we'll be having a baby in 9 months.

8) The comments from the 'smug' parents and parents to be. So many people we know have offered advice and made comments about what we can do to make sure we get pregnant. These comments have ranged from slagging off our first donor (completely infuriated me for the record) to the ever philosophical, "it'll happen when the time is right." Sometimes it's so hard to not tell people to shove their comments where the sun don't shine!

7) Cervical mucus enters into everyday conversation. Seriously, when getting towards ovulation day it's, "Has your plug come away yet? Is it stretchy?? Are we at egg white consistency yet?!?!" You name it, i've asked the question and/or inspected said mucus just to be sure. After doing this several times, i now know when i'm ovulating!

6) Pregnancy test companies do a hell of a lot of advertising. There's not a day that goes by where we don't see a TV ad for a pregnancy test or other....especially when aunt flow is about to show up!

5) What you have to do to put the stuff in place. Whether it's checking you've got the right place or depth perception or getting the angle right....it's a tricky (sometimes uncomfortable) business.

4) Donors aren't necessarily what they seem to be.... There's uber donors (as we have spoken about before), guys who say all the right things then expect something completely different in return, guys that think they can post their stuff (that one confused us too), guys that let you down, guys that don't want to meet up at all (they like to leave their stuff outside a locked hotel room or a parked empty car) and goodness knows how many other varieties. Make sure all sides know what they're letting themselves in for in full before going ahead with anything.

3) Once you start trying, 'romance' doesn't quite feel the same unless one of you has raised hips...totally feels like you forgot to do something.

2) You're asking someone to masterbate for you, in your own home, (in our case) our future children's bedroom. This last month our donor almost went into detail about why it had taken him longer than normal this time around....i almost ran away with my fingers shoved in my ears shouting "LALALALALALA!!!" Dude, we know you come round to our house to wank off...don't share the details!!

1) Sperm is rank. It's smelly, warm and looks a little like chinese sweetcorn soup without the sweetcorn.  If i accidentally get a whiff, it get's to my gag reflex instantly so i now have to cover my face before getting it in to make sure it doesn't happen. Vomiting before 'romance' doesn't go down too well (so i've been told).