Friday, 7 June 2013
18 months on...
All of a sudden, I'm losing hope. Even with the new donor with super sperm, I just don't feel like it's ever going to work.
No one tells you just what it means when they say that it can take years to conceive and no one explains the emotional toll it takes on you on, it's gut wrenching!
I just don't understand why it's not working, we're timing it perfectly, we're doing everything right before, during and after insemination. My wife is healthy. We're doing absolutely everything we possibly can and yet it still doesn't work & stick. We're pretty convinced that we've had as many as 3 chemical pregnancies on top of the miscarriage and that's starting to worry me. If conception is happening but something isn't working after that, how the hell do we improve things to make it work??
We could go for treatment but we really can't afford the thousands of pounds that it would cost and then the chances of it working are no greater than doing what we currently are. There's very limited access to stuff on the NHS too which is fair but we don't meet the criteria for it.
We sat up last night talking about it all, my wife is blaming herself for everything. That really upsets me because it's just not her fault, she's been so wonderful throughout this whole process and so strong. I couldn't be more proud of her through all of this.
The thought that it may never happen for us is going through my mind more and more at the minute, I know that it's only because we've had another disappointment but no matter how many times people tell us that we're meant to be parents and no matter how much we want it, that doesn't and won't ever make it happen.
Giving up really isn't an option for either of us but finding the strength to go on is near impossible to find at the minute.