"donor" not "dad"

When the miscarriage happened we told our family and a couple of friends mainly because my sister in law knew and we didn't want anyone else to feel out of the loop. Everyone has been really great and asked sensible questions and we've answered everything and that's been the end of the questioning.

That is everyone except one of my best friends. I've known her since I was about 12 and up until now even when our opinions have differed we have always been great friends who respect each other completely.

I text her a couple of days after the miscarriage to tell her and she called me 10 days later to ask how we were doing. We got chatting and before you know it the conversation changed to discussion of the "dad". I told her repeatedly that there isn't a dad, only a donor but she refused to accept it saying that I can't deny biology no matter how hard I try and it went down hill from there.

For 30 minutes I was essentially told that the way we're trying to conceive is immoral and potentially damaging to any child born. I was made to feel as though we'd put no thought into the process and that we're being selfish. She even went as far as to say that in 15 years time our child might decide to go and live with their "dad". When I told her that was about as likely to happen as any child walking down the street and deciding to go and live with a complete stranger she just kept coming back to the "you can't deny biology" argument.

We aren't and have never said that we could deny biology. We know that our child will have questions for us and when the time is right we will have (age appropriate) answers and ultimately when the time is right our child will have the opportunity to meet our donor but until it happens there's no reason for us to be concerned. We did it this way so that we would have these options, if we'd gone to a sperm bank we wouldn't know half of the stuff we do about our donor and would therefore have next to no answers for our children.

Overall I just find it incredibly disrespectful to make assumptions and judgments on the way anyone chooses to make their family but to have that from one of your closest friends damn near breaks your heart.

Our donor is a donor and that is all, we spoke to him about this on Sunday and he made all of the same points I did on the phone. He has no desire to be a father to our child, he's doing this because he's seen first hand what it's like when someone wants a family more than anything but can't seem to achieve for one reason or another. I guess hearing such a close friend say these things has knocked me but at least of anyone else asks the same or similar things I'll be better prepared.

Update...

So, the last time i posted was a short while after we got our positive. I have so much to tell you!

We had a fabulous Easter weekend and nicknamed the baby 'Flounder' (as in the little mermaid) and spent some time trying to absorb the news.

I went back to work on Monday, my wife went back on Tuesday. At about 9:30 i got a text asking what my diary looked like for the day which worried me as I've never been asked that. I was working until 11am, once it got to that time i got a phone call from my wife saying that she was bleeding. At this point i panicked.

I went straight home and called a similar service to NHS Direct who wanted to speak to her so i put the phone down and they called her. She called me back a few minutes later saying that their advice was to either go to the doctors if it continues or if she's worried NHS Direct.

She was upset and i didn't know what to do because i had a work commitment that if i cancelled would cost someone else £62 and i couldn't do that to her which i know sounds really bad but at this point i didn't understand the extent of what was happening.

In the end we decided to get her to talk to her boss and sister (who by chance was working with her that week) and see what they suggested. My sister in law ended up calling her midwife as she's not long had a baby herself. The midwife told her to get her to A&E for some tests so off my wife and sister in law went.

I couldn't get there until about 1:30-2ish and by this point she'd had some bloods and urine taken to check the hormone levels and was waiting for the results. Once the results were back it was likely that she would go for a scan.

Just before 3 we were called into a room and told that both the blood and urine tests were negative for pregnancy and that she was free to go.

We were so upset and shocked, we didn't understand what had happened or how we could have a positive pregnancy test on the Saturday and then a negative on the Tuesday.

It's officially classed as a chemical pregnancy. Basically explained (in our case), the egg fertilised and implanted but the pregnancy ended there. It can also be called an early miscarriage.

As hard as the last week has been, we're both kind of relieved that it happened now and now X amount of weeks down the line. We are trying again as soon as my wife is ovulating and we're hopeful, if nothing else we know that she can conceive, we just need to make it stick this time.

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!!

I'm still in shock, genuinely can't believe it but I'll tell you the story!

My wife was due on Thursday so today she's 3 days late and she's never been late in the time we've been trying. So we got up and tested with a cheaply Internet bought test. It came back negative and we just didn't believe it.

I decided to go and get some clear blue digital tests from the local chemist only to find that it was closed. I then went into another shop to find that they didn't have any digital kits. I then went into boots and after checking that no one I recognised was around I got a pack of two and ran back to the car (£12.99!!! Robbery!!).

We had to waits couple of hours for my wife to need the toilet again but when she did we went up together and watched the egg timer flashing and flashing until it finally came up "Pregnant 1-2 weeks". I burst into tears and started shaking (I'm holding our 8 month old nephew, the shaking was causing issues!) and my wife went "pregnant, I'm pregnant!! I knew it!!"

Even though both of us were expecting a positive I can honestly say that I'm in a state of shock. This is just incredible and I can't believe it! According to an app I have our baby is due 12/12/12!

We spoke to our donor who's been amazing and congratulated us and thanked us for asking him. He's made the entire process so much easier, he's a top bloke and I'm really pleased we chose him.

Anyway, that's enough for today, I'll post again soon!

Anxiety levels rising...

So, today is the day that my wife should be starting her period. She usually starts over night but so far there's no sign.

Usually at this point I'm convinced that it's not worked or that it has and I'm either quite down beat or getting really excited but this time I'm incredibly anxious.

My wife has shown a few possible symptoms of implantation but it could have been anything, I think I needed to do this post today to get it off my chest so I can be a little more relaxed about it.

Will let you know what happens and the end result, fingers are more tightly crossed than ever before!