Sorry!! Here's a new update...

I'm getting more and more pre occupied with stuff going on outside of the internet recently, sorry i haven't updated in AGES!

Since i last blogged, we got our hospital appointment which was for December 16th. We were both so happy and so relieved to see that it had come through and we finally were going to get some answers.

It came round VERY quickly which was even better for us.

We spoke to the doctors and nurses who basically concluded that we have been trying for a very long time. The doctor was shocked that it had taken this long for us to get a referral to get things checked out.

They wanted to do an internal scan to check overall womb & ovarian health and a HyCoSy. They want my wife to lose a little weight before the HyCoSy is done (because once that is done we could potentially start treatment and they won't allow her to have treatment unless her BMI is 35 or less) but offered to do the internal one that day and we agreed to it.

We also got the results within 5 minutes of the scan and there is nothing wrong whatsoever. Her ovaries are in great condition, the uterine lining was 12.5mm thick (on CD18) which we're told is perfect. The only minor thing is that she has a retroverted uterus.

We've been doing some reading up on this and although it shouldn't cause any issues with overall fertility, some people have said that they have struggled to conceive then found that they have the same issue. The overall consensus is that when you're 'doing the deed', make sure she's on her front rather than on her back as there seem to be a lot of success stories coming from people that have tried that way.

This made us feel a little more positive in the 'maybe the swimmers just haven't been up to an uphill fight' sort of way but so far, we've yet to test the theory....

D4 apologised about November, he didn't offer us an explanation but he was apologetic. The following month came and we gave him all of the information we had available and he was up for everything. The day came, he was in regular contact with us, even texting to say he was on the train.

I went to collect him from the station, i didn't get there until 17:40 and as his train was due in at 17:30, i thought he might be waiting for me. He was no where to be seen. I text him, my wife, she text him. Nothing.

It got to 17:50 before we heard anything and all the text said was, "Sorry something came up i have anxiety problem i can't." I was absolutely furious!!!

The anxiety problem doesn't bother me at all, if he had made us aware of it, we wouldn't have been meeting him at a very busy train station, we would have met him off the train. Anything to make it feel easier for him.

The fact that he decided after he arrived (we can only assume) that he couldn't do it was the biggest kick in the teeth possible. Needless to say, we sacked him.

We decided to text D1, he's always said that he would help out if he could if we ever got stuck and he did, he's such a gent! Unfortunately it didn't take but he did offer to step in (again where he could) whilst we were searching for D5.

Since then, it's been Christmas and New Year and i've had my Gran in hospital for 2 months so things have been a little hectic around here but we have been talking to some guys in the hope that one of them will turn out to be a normal dude who genuinely just wants to give us his spunk in exchange for his travel expenses being reimbursed.

We got talking to a guy a couple of weeks ago who really seemed to fit that bill well. We hit it off on the phone and started planning when he would be coming round.

We emailed him just to ask a couple of extra questions and to check that he would bring photo ID with him so that we could see that his STI results were his. At this point he completely freaks on us and accuses us of being journalists who just want to make a quick quid on a story. We tried to explain that we have to be sure, it's only right that we know the written health of the donor matches the donor in question but he wouldn't have any of it.

He then started going on about a couple that tried to trap him by saying they were civil partnered when they weren't a few months ago and it turned out they were going to go after him for money and stuff and what we were asking for just sounded way too dodgy for him to trust it.

Seriously, what the fuck (and that's swearing!!) is wrong with guys?!

So, to conclude. There are very few genuine donors out there. Treatment costs way more than we can afford right now and we're no closer to having our own baby now than we were when we first started.

Update...

As you guys all know, we've been at this a while now and things have just not been going to plan.

Two weeks ago we decided to go back to see my wife's doctor to get referred for more tests etc. She had no problem doing it at all, we completely updated her on where things are with us not currently having a donor. We also told her that we're trying to get that situation sorted and we all had a laugh about it.

From her letter going out, it takes 3-4 weeks to get the appointment letter then around 3 months for the actual appointment. That puts us somewhere near Christmas which is about where we thought we'd be.

Since then, we've been talking to a couple of guys. One seemed to be really lovely, quite outgoing and generally what we're looking for. The other guy was incredibly shy and only 20 which initially made us nervous.

Outgoing guy was great to talk to on the phone and we all suggested that the following weekend would be a really good to meet up. He said that he wasn't 100% sure which day would be best for him but would text us to arrange with 48 hours. That time came and went. We emailed and text him over a few days and didn't hear back until a week later.

This worried us for all the same reasons that we've had issues before. We pretty much gave up with him after that.

Shy guy is actually awesome. We spoke to him and got the impression that he's got his head screwed on (a big bonus with him being so young) and is generally looking to help. We arranged to meet on Saturday last week after i had finished work. In the end, that didn't work out as he had something come up. This worried us yet again because it felt like he might be getting cold feet.

On Sunday he text asking if we were still up for getting together for a chat. Huge sigh of relief from the both of us. We got it all sorted and he came over to the city where we live and we went for a drink in Starbucks.

First impressions, he is beyond shy! My wife is a very shy sort of person but he eclipsed her. After a little while, he opened up a little more and he's lovely. He'd already gone to the clinic to get tested (without us having to ask) and was awaiting the results.

We're both really pleased with him, we left on good terms and discussed things on the way home. Both of us really like him, the only thing we were waiting for was his results.

They came though last night, he's all healthy! We decided that we're both really happy to go ahead and asked him if he is too, he said he is.

We're going to sort out the awkward stuff this weekend, you know, the "do you need any encouragement material?" the shoot and leave thing (more difficult because he doesn't drive).

Fingers crossed though, D4 is our lucky charm! We're hoping that his stuff is even more awesome than we've had before because of his age.

Time will tell!

Out of the blue

We're in a bit of shock at the minute.

On Monday evening D3 emailed us saying that he thinks we need more than one donation each time and thats not something he's able to do. He then goes on to say that he doesn't know of anyone that could help us then wishes us luck and best wishes.

We emailed him back asking if this meant that he didn't want to be our donor anymore or what because we're confused. On Tuesday morning we got a reply from him confirming that he didn't want to be our donor anymore.

We are completely shocked. He said that if he agrees to be our donor then he makes a lifelong commitment to donating to us and supporting us throughout. No where in that statement did he say, "so long as it happens in the first 3 attempts."

We really thought we'd found a really good guy who was in this with us until it worked. So shocked and feel completely let down by him and (even though this is about to sound completely melodramatic) life. There, i said it. Life is being a bit of a bitch when it comes to us trying to have a family.

So, it's now back to trawling through the websites trying to find the one guy who lives close enough who isn't a freak.

Ugh.

18 months on...

All of a sudden, I'm losing hope. Even with the new donor with super sperm, I just don't feel like it's ever going to work. 

No one tells you just what it means when they say that it can take years to conceive and no one explains the emotional toll it takes on you on, it's gut wrenching!

I just don't understand why it's not working, we're timing it perfectly, we're doing everything right before, during and after insemination. My wife is healthy. We're doing absolutely everything we possibly can and yet it still doesn't work & stick. We're pretty convinced that we've had as many as 3 chemical pregnancies on top of the miscarriage and that's starting to worry me. If conception is happening but something isn't working after that, how the hell do we improve things to make it work??

We could go for treatment but we really can't afford the thousands of pounds that it would cost and then the chances of it working are no greater than doing what we currently are. There's very limited access to stuff on the NHS too which is fair but we don't meet the criteria for it.

We sat up last night talking about it all, my wife is blaming herself for everything. That really upsets me because it's just not her fault, she's been so wonderful throughout this whole process and so strong. I couldn't be more proud of her through all of this.

The thought that it may never happen for us is going through my mind more and more at the minute, I know that it's only because we've had another disappointment but no matter how many times people tell us that we're meant to be parents and no matter how much we want it, that doesn't and won't ever make it happen.

Giving up really isn't an option for either of us but finding the strength to go on is near impossible to find at the minute.

Update...

It's been a really long time since I did a blog, there's quite a bit I need to update you on.

A short while after I did the last blog, our friends had their little boy (one I predicted when they were just 10 weeks pregnant!) and I had the very sudden realisation that when we had the miscarriage, we lost a baby. Up until that point I kind of hadn't dealt with it at all and everything came out all at once and I broke down. I had a week of feeling so down and upset that I didn't know what to do with myself but after talking things through with my wife I felt better.

Up until that point we had both been planning a memorial tattoo for the baby and actually starting to accept what happened and deal with my grief made me want to go ahead with that. I got a star with the babies due date (12/12/12) in it and the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" around it all in black and grey. Since getting it I have found it to be a big big help. It's given me strength going forwards and a way to remember the baby that we loved so much even though we lost him/her so early on.

We have our moments where we will have a bit of a talk and cry but we've kept open with each other and allowed each other to take whatever steps we've needed to deal with it.

We have tried since the London 2012 Olympics and not had any joy. There is a possibility that we have lost again but because we didn't do a pregnancy test and it was even earlier than the last time, we'll never know. My wife's doctor has said that if we're get concerned that it has happened again then she will order some tests to see if there's anything obvious going on.

Other than that, we're still with the same donor but we are considering changing things up in the new year as it's getting to be quite difficult again. We're just worried about changing because our donor is the perfect balance that we always said we wanted but hey, we're going away for a week in December then it's Christmas so we have some time. And who knows, we might not need a new donor!