I'm getting more and more pre occupied with stuff going on outside of the internet recently, sorry i haven't updated in AGES!
Since i last blogged, we got our hospital appointment which was for December 16th. We were both so happy and so relieved to see that it had come through and we finally were going to get some answers.
It came round VERY quickly which was even better for us.
We spoke to the doctors and nurses who basically concluded that we have been trying for a very long time. The doctor was shocked that it had taken this long for us to get a referral to get things checked out.
They wanted to do an internal scan to check overall womb & ovarian health and a HyCoSy. They want my wife to lose a little weight before the HyCoSy is done (because once that is done we could potentially start treatment and they won't allow her to have treatment unless her BMI is 35 or less) but offered to do the internal one that day and we agreed to it.
We also got the results within 5 minutes of the scan and there is nothing wrong whatsoever. Her ovaries are in great condition, the uterine lining was 12.5mm thick (on CD18) which we're told is perfect. The only minor thing is that she has a retroverted uterus.
We've been doing some reading up on this and although it shouldn't cause any issues with overall fertility, some people have said that they have struggled to conceive then found that they have the same issue. The overall consensus is that when you're 'doing the deed', make sure she's on her front rather than on her back as there seem to be a lot of success stories coming from people that have tried that way.
This made us feel a little more positive in the 'maybe the swimmers just haven't been up to an uphill fight' sort of way but so far, we've yet to test the theory....
D4 apologised about November, he didn't offer us an explanation but he was apologetic. The following month came and we gave him all of the information we had available and he was up for everything. The day came, he was in regular contact with us, even texting to say he was on the train.
I went to collect him from the station, i didn't get there until 17:40 and as his train was due in at 17:30, i thought he might be waiting for me. He was no where to be seen. I text him, my wife, she text him. Nothing.
It got to 17:50 before we heard anything and all the text said was, "Sorry something came up i have anxiety problem i can't." I was absolutely furious!!!
The anxiety problem doesn't bother me at all, if he had made us aware of it, we wouldn't have been meeting him at a very busy train station, we would have met him off the train. Anything to make it feel easier for him.
The fact that he decided after he arrived (we can only assume) that he couldn't do it was the biggest kick in the teeth possible. Needless to say, we sacked him.
We decided to text D1, he's always said that he would help out if he could if we ever got stuck and he did, he's such a gent! Unfortunately it didn't take but he did offer to step in (again where he could) whilst we were searching for D5.
Since then, it's been Christmas and New Year and i've had my Gran in hospital for 2 months so things have been a little hectic around here but we have been talking to some guys in the hope that one of them will turn out to be a normal dude who genuinely just wants to give us his spunk in exchange for his travel expenses being reimbursed.
We got talking to a guy a couple of weeks ago who really seemed to fit that bill well. We hit it off on the phone and started planning when he would be coming round.
We emailed him just to ask a couple of extra questions and to check that he would bring photo ID with him so that we could see that his STI results were his. At this point he completely freaks on us and accuses us of being journalists who just want to make a quick quid on a story. We tried to explain that we have to be sure, it's only right that we know the written health of the donor matches the donor in question but he wouldn't have any of it.
He then started going on about a couple that tried to trap him by saying they were civil partnered when they weren't a few months ago and it turned out they were going to go after him for money and stuff and what we were asking for just sounded way too dodgy for him to trust it.
Seriously, what the fuck (and that's swearing!!) is wrong with guys?!
So, to conclude. There are very few genuine donors out there. Treatment costs way more than we can afford right now and we're no closer to having our own baby now than we were when we first started.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Out of the blue
We're in a bit of shock at the minute.
On Monday evening D3 emailed us saying that he thinks we need more than one donation each time and thats not something he's able to do. He then goes on to say that he doesn't know of anyone that could help us then wishes us luck and best wishes.
We emailed him back asking if this meant that he didn't want to be our donor anymore or what because we're confused. On Tuesday morning we got a reply from him confirming that he didn't want to be our donor anymore.
We are completely shocked. He said that if he agrees to be our donor then he makes a lifelong commitment to donating to us and supporting us throughout. No where in that statement did he say, "so long as it happens in the first 3 attempts."
We really thought we'd found a really good guy who was in this with us until it worked. So shocked and feel completely let down by him and (even though this is about to sound completely melodramatic) life. There, i said it. Life is being a bit of a bitch when it comes to us trying to have a family.
So, it's now back to trawling through the websites trying to find the one guy who lives close enough who isn't a freak.
Ugh.
Friday, 7 June 2013
18 months on...
All of a sudden, I'm losing hope. Even with the new donor with super sperm, I just don't feel like it's ever going to work.
No one tells you just what it means when they say that it can take years to conceive and no one explains the emotional toll it takes on you on, it's gut wrenching!
I just don't understand why it's not working, we're timing it perfectly, we're doing everything right before, during and after insemination. My wife is healthy. We're doing absolutely everything we possibly can and yet it still doesn't work & stick. We're pretty convinced that we've had as many as 3 chemical pregnancies on top of the miscarriage and that's starting to worry me. If conception is happening but something isn't working after that, how the hell do we improve things to make it work??
We could go for treatment but we really can't afford the thousands of pounds that it would cost and then the chances of it working are no greater than doing what we currently are. There's very limited access to stuff on the NHS too which is fair but we don't meet the criteria for it.
We sat up last night talking about it all, my wife is blaming herself for everything. That really upsets me because it's just not her fault, she's been so wonderful throughout this whole process and so strong. I couldn't be more proud of her through all of this.
The thought that it may never happen for us is going through my mind more and more at the minute, I know that it's only because we've had another disappointment but no matter how many times people tell us that we're meant to be parents and no matter how much we want it, that doesn't and won't ever make it happen.
Giving up really isn't an option for either of us but finding the strength to go on is near impossible to find at the minute.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Update...
It's been a really long time since I did a blog, there's quite a bit I need to update you on.
A short while after I did the last blog, our friends had their little boy (one I predicted when they were just 10 weeks pregnant!) and I had the very sudden realisation that when we had the miscarriage, we lost a baby. Up until that point I kind of hadn't dealt with it at all and everything came out all at once and I broke down. I had a week of feeling so down and upset that I didn't know what to do with myself but after talking things through with my wife I felt better.
Up until that point we had both been planning a memorial tattoo for the baby and actually starting to accept what happened and deal with my grief made me want to go ahead with that. I got a star with the babies due date (12/12/12) in it and the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" around it all in black and grey. Since getting it I have found it to be a big big help. It's given me strength going forwards and a way to remember the baby that we loved so much even though we lost him/her so early on.
We have our moments where we will have a bit of a talk and cry but we've kept open with each other and allowed each other to take whatever steps we've needed to deal with it.
We have tried since the London 2012 Olympics and not had any joy. There is a possibility that we have lost again but because we didn't do a pregnancy test and it was even earlier than the last time, we'll never know. My wife's doctor has said that if we're get concerned that it has happened again then she will order some tests to see if there's anything obvious going on.
Other than that, we're still with the same donor but we are considering changing things up in the new year as it's getting to be quite difficult again. We're just worried about changing because our donor is the perfect balance that we always said we wanted but hey, we're going away for a week in December then it's Christmas so we have some time. And who knows, we might not need a new donor!
A short while after I did the last blog, our friends had their little boy (one I predicted when they were just 10 weeks pregnant!) and I had the very sudden realisation that when we had the miscarriage, we lost a baby. Up until that point I kind of hadn't dealt with it at all and everything came out all at once and I broke down. I had a week of feeling so down and upset that I didn't know what to do with myself but after talking things through with my wife I felt better.
Up until that point we had both been planning a memorial tattoo for the baby and actually starting to accept what happened and deal with my grief made me want to go ahead with that. I got a star with the babies due date (12/12/12) in it and the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" around it all in black and grey. Since getting it I have found it to be a big big help. It's given me strength going forwards and a way to remember the baby that we loved so much even though we lost him/her so early on.
We have our moments where we will have a bit of a talk and cry but we've kept open with each other and allowed each other to take whatever steps we've needed to deal with it.
We have tried since the London 2012 Olympics and not had any joy. There is a possibility that we have lost again but because we didn't do a pregnancy test and it was even earlier than the last time, we'll never know. My wife's doctor has said that if we're get concerned that it has happened again then she will order some tests to see if there's anything obvious going on.
Other than that, we're still with the same donor but we are considering changing things up in the new year as it's getting to be quite difficult again. We're just worried about changing because our donor is the perfect balance that we always said we wanted but hey, we're going away for a week in December then it's Christmas so we have some time. And who knows, we might not need a new donor!
Monday, 23 July 2012
Taking a Break
Month 8 came and went relatively quickly with no good news. Neither of us really believed that it would work this time, we've both been feeling so down about everything it honestly was no surprise when my wife started her period.
We've gone through every emotion possible on this journey so far and it's been exhausting. The past month we've both been getting a little bitter and almost angry with everything, it's been so so draining.
Because of this and the fact that our donor is an olympic volunteer we're having a month off to re group and focus again. We're in desperate need of it and hopefully when we start again we'll find it easier.
We've gone through every emotion possible on this journey so far and it's been exhausting. The past month we've both been getting a little bitter and almost angry with everything, it's been so so draining.
Because of this and the fact that our donor is an olympic volunteer we're having a month off to re group and focus again. We're in desperate need of it and hopefully when we start again we'll find it easier.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
What if??
Before i elaborate, you need to know that we're officially on month 8 as my wife's period came bang on time. In addition, i just want to say that we're not losing hope.
What if it takes years before it works? What if it never works? What if it does work and we end up with 15 in there?? (FTR I know that's not possible) These are the sort of questions going through my head recently.
My brother and sister in law spent 4 years trying for our youngest nephew, I think it would see me mentally exhausted a long time before that but it's a very real possibility. They aren't the only couple that have had to go through it for that long.
What if it never happens? This question scares me, I've never imagined my life without kids and being an Aunty just isn't enough anymore. If we never manage to conceive kids of our own it would be devastating to us, I just mentioned it the other night and we both started to cry, the thought of not having children physically hurts.
We've been discussing having our own children since February 2004, we'd known each other about 14 weeks and had been together 12. It's always been a joint dream, we decided on a name for a boy in 2004 and that sill remains, we love it now more than ever. Our overall plan for a long time has been to have a child each and then adopt siblings, I guess the adoption bit would be our plan if we never managed to have our own.
What if it works and we end up with 15?? Ok so maybe not 15 but what about 4, 5 or even 6?? I honestly think I'd crap my pants when we found out. Talk about overwhelming! Don't get me wrong, we'd be ecstatically happy but terrified at the same time.
I'm hoping we're not the only ones, I guess trying to make a baby makes your mind work in different ways!
What if it takes years before it works? What if it never works? What if it does work and we end up with 15 in there?? (FTR I know that's not possible) These are the sort of questions going through my head recently.
My brother and sister in law spent 4 years trying for our youngest nephew, I think it would see me mentally exhausted a long time before that but it's a very real possibility. They aren't the only couple that have had to go through it for that long.
What if it never happens? This question scares me, I've never imagined my life without kids and being an Aunty just isn't enough anymore. If we never manage to conceive kids of our own it would be devastating to us, I just mentioned it the other night and we both started to cry, the thought of not having children physically hurts.
We've been discussing having our own children since February 2004, we'd known each other about 14 weeks and had been together 12. It's always been a joint dream, we decided on a name for a boy in 2004 and that sill remains, we love it now more than ever. Our overall plan for a long time has been to have a child each and then adopt siblings, I guess the adoption bit would be our plan if we never managed to have our own.
What if it works and we end up with 15?? Ok so maybe not 15 but what about 4, 5 or even 6?? I honestly think I'd crap my pants when we found out. Talk about overwhelming! Don't get me wrong, we'd be ecstatically happy but terrified at the same time.
I'm hoping we're not the only ones, I guess trying to make a baby makes your mind work in different ways!
Friday, 8 June 2012
Pregnancy Superstitions etc...
We did another couple of inseminations over the jubilee weekend and all of a sudden our donor has gone a bit superstitious on us which is now making us a bit superstitious too.
We always reimburse our donors fuel money when he comes for a donation but this time he refused it because the one other time that his sperm did the trick since he's been donating he was meant to do 3 consecutive nights but only ended up doing 1 and therefore didn't get paid (he usually takes the money on the last night).
It got me thinking about things people say about getting pregnant or when you are pregnant, whether it be an old wives tale or from experience.
My Granny and Grandad swear there's a baby in every bottle of advocaat because the nights that Granny has had an entire bottle to herself, she woke up pregnant (desperately trying to push the thought of grandparent sex out of my mind now). I've been noticing a lot of pairs of magpies which is supposed to be good news.
Do you or does anyone you know have similar superstitions??
My wife's due on (of all days) on my birthday, I'm really hoping that her period is on a break for a few months now but only time will tell, 12 days until my birthday and 16 until we'll test. She's been having some different ovulation signs this time around though, for the first time ever she got pain during the egg release and we got the strongest OPK+ we've had in the 7 months we've been trying. Fingers firmly crossed!
We always reimburse our donors fuel money when he comes for a donation but this time he refused it because the one other time that his sperm did the trick since he's been donating he was meant to do 3 consecutive nights but only ended up doing 1 and therefore didn't get paid (he usually takes the money on the last night).
It got me thinking about things people say about getting pregnant or when you are pregnant, whether it be an old wives tale or from experience.
My Granny and Grandad swear there's a baby in every bottle of advocaat because the nights that Granny has had an entire bottle to herself, she woke up pregnant (desperately trying to push the thought of grandparent sex out of my mind now). I've been noticing a lot of pairs of magpies which is supposed to be good news.
Do you or does anyone you know have similar superstitions??
My wife's due on (of all days) on my birthday, I'm really hoping that her period is on a break for a few months now but only time will tell, 12 days until my birthday and 16 until we'll test. She's been having some different ovulation signs this time around though, for the first time ever she got pain during the egg release and we got the strongest OPK+ we've had in the 7 months we've been trying. Fingers firmly crossed!
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Teen Pregnancies...
What is it with teens these days??? Is contraception a completely foreign concept or what??
In the last month my mums friend has announced the birth of her first grandchild. Everyone was congratulating her and asking when her 20 year old son had managed it only to find out that he's a product of her 16 year old son and his girlfriend. They were both 15 when she fell pregnant!!!
As much as I know that some people make it work (I have friends that have proved that point exactly), the chances of that baby boy having a stable and strong family base is near impossible when his own parents haven't even figured out who they are yet.
Yesterday I saw my mum for the first time in months and she told me that her friends daughter has recently found out that she's pregnant, yet again, at 16! This time she is honestly one of the most immature girls I've ever met, i honestly dont think she will be ready for kids for at least another 10 years, i am honestly scared for the baby.
The only reason she even knew she was pregnant was because she was banging on weight. The doctor believes that she's less than 5 months but can't say for certain. She is engaged though, to a guy who's 19 and lives on benefits with no ambition to better himself. What sort of start is that for a child??
I think the thing that bugs me most is that these kids are making "oops" babies without a care in the world yet there are so many people out there (us included) who are doing everything they can to try and have their family but can't, I don't know if I've just reached the slightly bitter stage of trying to conceive or what. All I know is that even within my own circle there are babies being born into situations they don't deserve and that really upsets me.
In the last month my mums friend has announced the birth of her first grandchild. Everyone was congratulating her and asking when her 20 year old son had managed it only to find out that he's a product of her 16 year old son and his girlfriend. They were both 15 when she fell pregnant!!!
As much as I know that some people make it work (I have friends that have proved that point exactly), the chances of that baby boy having a stable and strong family base is near impossible when his own parents haven't even figured out who they are yet.
Yesterday I saw my mum for the first time in months and she told me that her friends daughter has recently found out that she's pregnant, yet again, at 16! This time she is honestly one of the most immature girls I've ever met, i honestly dont think she will be ready for kids for at least another 10 years, i am honestly scared for the baby.
The only reason she even knew she was pregnant was because she was banging on weight. The doctor believes that she's less than 5 months but can't say for certain. She is engaged though, to a guy who's 19 and lives on benefits with no ambition to better himself. What sort of start is that for a child??
I think the thing that bugs me most is that these kids are making "oops" babies without a care in the world yet there are so many people out there (us included) who are doing everything they can to try and have their family but can't, I don't know if I've just reached the slightly bitter stage of trying to conceive or what. All I know is that even within my own circle there are babies being born into situations they don't deserve and that really upsets me.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Back in the waiting game...
It's been 1 month and 1 day since the miscarriage and I tell you what, it's very surreal. It keeps creeping up on me and surprising me. Yesterday, when I realised that it was a monh since it happened I suddenly felt very sad and had that heavy feeling you get in your chest when something shocks and saddens you at the same time. I guess I'll have that for a long time, especially on the due date.
Aside from that things have been alright actually. We've gotten used to the routine of waiting and inseminating now so it's almost second nature (although sperm is still rank, it actually makes me wretch these days) to us now.
We started checking for ovulation a week earlier than normal this time around because we just didn't know who was happening with it and whether or not it was going to show up as if my wife had never been late in the first place or if it would just be randomly early or if it would be late so we thought the safest thing to do would be to test early and carry on until it was positive.
In the end we got a positive that put my wife on for a 27 day cycle (her normal is 29) so we got our donor here, he did his thing and we had a chat about the miscarriage and then he left and we did our thing.
Well now we are on cycle day 31 with no obvious signs of a period starting or my wife being pregnant (although she did have a funny tummy around implantation ish time and she did feel as though she had started the other morning but it was a false alarm). We honestly don't know what's happening, for all we know this could just be her body trying to return to normal or she could be pregnant. We just don't know.
If nothing happens we will be testing in 4 days, this is just so that we pass the stage that things went wrong last time which may sound silly but I don't think either of us will believe it if it's before that stage.
I'll do and update next Tuesday or Wednesday, hopefully with good news!
Aside from that things have been alright actually. We've gotten used to the routine of waiting and inseminating now so it's almost second nature (although sperm is still rank, it actually makes me wretch these days) to us now.
We started checking for ovulation a week earlier than normal this time around because we just didn't know who was happening with it and whether or not it was going to show up as if my wife had never been late in the first place or if it would just be randomly early or if it would be late so we thought the safest thing to do would be to test early and carry on until it was positive.
In the end we got a positive that put my wife on for a 27 day cycle (her normal is 29) so we got our donor here, he did his thing and we had a chat about the miscarriage and then he left and we did our thing.
Well now we are on cycle day 31 with no obvious signs of a period starting or my wife being pregnant (although she did have a funny tummy around implantation ish time and she did feel as though she had started the other morning but it was a false alarm). We honestly don't know what's happening, for all we know this could just be her body trying to return to normal or she could be pregnant. We just don't know.
If nothing happens we will be testing in 4 days, this is just so that we pass the stage that things went wrong last time which may sound silly but I don't think either of us will believe it if it's before that stage.
I'll do and update next Tuesday or Wednesday, hopefully with good news!
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
"donor" not "dad"
When the miscarriage happened we told our family and a couple of friends mainly because my sister in law knew and we didn't want anyone else to feel out of the loop. Everyone has been really great and asked sensible questions and we've answered everything and that's been the end of the questioning.
That is everyone except one of my best friends. I've known her since I was about 12 and up until now even when our opinions have differed we have always been great friends who respect each other completely.
I text her a couple of days after the miscarriage to tell her and she called me 10 days later to ask how we were doing. We got chatting and before you know it the conversation changed to discussion of the "dad". I told her repeatedly that there isn't a dad, only a donor but she refused to accept it saying that I can't deny biology no matter how hard I try and it went down hill from there.
For 30 minutes I was essentially told that the way we're trying to conceive is immoral and potentially damaging to any child born. I was made to feel as though we'd put no thought into the process and that we're being selfish. She even went as far as to say that in 15 years time our child might decide to go and live with their "dad". When I told her that was about as likely to happen as any child walking down the street and deciding to go and live with a complete stranger she just kept coming back to the "you can't deny biology" argument.
We aren't and have never said that we could deny biology. We know that our child will have questions for us and when the time is right we will have (age appropriate) answers and ultimately when the time is right our child will have the opportunity to meet our donor but until it happens there's no reason for us to be concerned. We did it this way so that we would have these options, if we'd gone to a sperm bank we wouldn't know half of the stuff we do about our donor and would therefore have next to no answers for our children.
Overall I just find it incredibly disrespectful to make assumptions and judgments on the way anyone chooses to make their family but to have that from one of your closest friends damn near breaks your heart.
Our donor is a donor and that is all, we spoke to him about this on Sunday and he made all of the same points I did on the phone. He has no desire to be a father to our child, he's doing this because he's seen first hand what it's like when someone wants a family more than anything but can't seem to achieve for one reason or another. I guess hearing such a close friend say these things has knocked me but at least of anyone else asks the same or similar things I'll be better prepared.
That is everyone except one of my best friends. I've known her since I was about 12 and up until now even when our opinions have differed we have always been great friends who respect each other completely.
I text her a couple of days after the miscarriage to tell her and she called me 10 days later to ask how we were doing. We got chatting and before you know it the conversation changed to discussion of the "dad". I told her repeatedly that there isn't a dad, only a donor but she refused to accept it saying that I can't deny biology no matter how hard I try and it went down hill from there.
For 30 minutes I was essentially told that the way we're trying to conceive is immoral and potentially damaging to any child born. I was made to feel as though we'd put no thought into the process and that we're being selfish. She even went as far as to say that in 15 years time our child might decide to go and live with their "dad". When I told her that was about as likely to happen as any child walking down the street and deciding to go and live with a complete stranger she just kept coming back to the "you can't deny biology" argument.
We aren't and have never said that we could deny biology. We know that our child will have questions for us and when the time is right we will have (age appropriate) answers and ultimately when the time is right our child will have the opportunity to meet our donor but until it happens there's no reason for us to be concerned. We did it this way so that we would have these options, if we'd gone to a sperm bank we wouldn't know half of the stuff we do about our donor and would therefore have next to no answers for our children.
Overall I just find it incredibly disrespectful to make assumptions and judgments on the way anyone chooses to make their family but to have that from one of your closest friends damn near breaks your heart.
Our donor is a donor and that is all, we spoke to him about this on Sunday and he made all of the same points I did on the phone. He has no desire to be a father to our child, he's doing this because he's seen first hand what it's like when someone wants a family more than anything but can't seem to achieve for one reason or another. I guess hearing such a close friend say these things has knocked me but at least of anyone else asks the same or similar things I'll be better prepared.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Update...
So, the last time i posted was a short while after we got our positive. I have so much to tell you!
We had a fabulous Easter weekend and nicknamed the baby 'Flounder' (as in the little mermaid) and spent some time trying to absorb the news.
I went back to work on Monday, my wife went back on Tuesday. At about 9:30 i got a text asking what my diary looked like for the day which worried me as I've never been asked that. I was working until 11am, once it got to that time i got a phone call from my wife saying that she was bleeding. At this point i panicked.
I went straight home and called a similar service to NHS Direct who wanted to speak to her so i put the phone down and they called her. She called me back a few minutes later saying that their advice was to either go to the doctors if it continues or if she's worried NHS Direct.
She was upset and i didn't know what to do because i had a work commitment that if i cancelled would cost someone else £62 and i couldn't do that to her which i know sounds really bad but at this point i didn't understand the extent of what was happening.
In the end we decided to get her to talk to her boss and sister (who by chance was working with her that week) and see what they suggested. My sister in law ended up calling her midwife as she's not long had a baby herself. The midwife told her to get her to A&E for some tests so off my wife and sister in law went.
I couldn't get there until about 1:30-2ish and by this point she'd had some bloods and urine taken to check the hormone levels and was waiting for the results. Once the results were back it was likely that she would go for a scan.
Just before 3 we were called into a room and told that both the blood and urine tests were negative for pregnancy and that she was free to go.
We were so upset and shocked, we didn't understand what had happened or how we could have a positive pregnancy test on the Saturday and then a negative on the Tuesday.
It's officially classed as a chemical pregnancy. Basically explained (in our case), the egg fertilised and implanted but the pregnancy ended there. It can also be called an early miscarriage.
As hard as the last week has been, we're both kind of relieved that it happened now and now X amount of weeks down the line. We are trying again as soon as my wife is ovulating and we're hopeful, if nothing else we know that she can conceive, we just need to make it stick this time.
We had a fabulous Easter weekend and nicknamed the baby 'Flounder' (as in the little mermaid) and spent some time trying to absorb the news.
I went back to work on Monday, my wife went back on Tuesday. At about 9:30 i got a text asking what my diary looked like for the day which worried me as I've never been asked that. I was working until 11am, once it got to that time i got a phone call from my wife saying that she was bleeding. At this point i panicked.
I went straight home and called a similar service to NHS Direct who wanted to speak to her so i put the phone down and they called her. She called me back a few minutes later saying that their advice was to either go to the doctors if it continues or if she's worried NHS Direct.
She was upset and i didn't know what to do because i had a work commitment that if i cancelled would cost someone else £62 and i couldn't do that to her which i know sounds really bad but at this point i didn't understand the extent of what was happening.
In the end we decided to get her to talk to her boss and sister (who by chance was working with her that week) and see what they suggested. My sister in law ended up calling her midwife as she's not long had a baby herself. The midwife told her to get her to A&E for some tests so off my wife and sister in law went.
I couldn't get there until about 1:30-2ish and by this point she'd had some bloods and urine taken to check the hormone levels and was waiting for the results. Once the results were back it was likely that she would go for a scan.
Just before 3 we were called into a room and told that both the blood and urine tests were negative for pregnancy and that she was free to go.
We were so upset and shocked, we didn't understand what had happened or how we could have a positive pregnancy test on the Saturday and then a negative on the Tuesday.
It's officially classed as a chemical pregnancy. Basically explained (in our case), the egg fertilised and implanted but the pregnancy ended there. It can also be called an early miscarriage.
As hard as the last week has been, we're both kind of relieved that it happened now and now X amount of weeks down the line. We are trying again as soon as my wife is ovulating and we're hopeful, if nothing else we know that she can conceive, we just need to make it stick this time.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!!
I'm still in shock, genuinely can't believe it but I'll tell you the story!
My wife was due on Thursday so today she's 3 days late and she's never been late in the time we've been trying. So we got up and tested with a cheaply Internet bought test. It came back negative and we just didn't believe it.
I decided to go and get some clear blue digital tests from the local chemist only to find that it was closed. I then went into another shop to find that they didn't have any digital kits. I then went into boots and after checking that no one I recognised was around I got a pack of two and ran back to the car (£12.99!!! Robbery!!).
We had to waits couple of hours for my wife to need the toilet again but when she did we went up together and watched the egg timer flashing and flashing until it finally came up "Pregnant 1-2 weeks". I burst into tears and started shaking (I'm holding our 8 month old nephew, the shaking was causing issues!) and my wife went "pregnant, I'm pregnant!! I knew it!!"
Even though both of us were expecting a positive I can honestly say that I'm in a state of shock. This is just incredible and I can't believe it! According to an app I have our baby is due 12/12/12!
We spoke to our donor who's been amazing and congratulated us and thanked us for asking him. He's made the entire process so much easier, he's a top bloke and I'm really pleased we chose him.
Anyway, that's enough for today, I'll post again soon!
My wife was due on Thursday so today she's 3 days late and she's never been late in the time we've been trying. So we got up and tested with a cheaply Internet bought test. It came back negative and we just didn't believe it.
I decided to go and get some clear blue digital tests from the local chemist only to find that it was closed. I then went into another shop to find that they didn't have any digital kits. I then went into boots and after checking that no one I recognised was around I got a pack of two and ran back to the car (£12.99!!! Robbery!!).
We had to waits couple of hours for my wife to need the toilet again but when she did we went up together and watched the egg timer flashing and flashing until it finally came up "Pregnant 1-2 weeks". I burst into tears and started shaking (I'm holding our 8 month old nephew, the shaking was causing issues!) and my wife went "pregnant, I'm pregnant!! I knew it!!"
Even though both of us were expecting a positive I can honestly say that I'm in a state of shock. This is just incredible and I can't believe it! According to an app I have our baby is due 12/12/12!
We spoke to our donor who's been amazing and congratulated us and thanked us for asking him. He's made the entire process so much easier, he's a top bloke and I'm really pleased we chose him.
Anyway, that's enough for today, I'll post again soon!
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Anxiety levels rising...
So, today is the day that my wife should be starting her period. She usually starts over night but so far there's no sign.
Usually at this point I'm convinced that it's not worked or that it has and I'm either quite down beat or getting really excited but this time I'm incredibly anxious.
My wife has shown a few possible symptoms of implantation but it could have been anything, I think I needed to do this post today to get it off my chest so I can be a little more relaxed about it.
Will let you know what happens and the end result, fingers are more tightly crossed than ever before!
Usually at this point I'm convinced that it's not worked or that it has and I'm either quite down beat or getting really excited but this time I'm incredibly anxious.
My wife has shown a few possible symptoms of implantation but it could have been anything, I think I needed to do this post today to get it off my chest so I can be a little more relaxed about it.
Will let you know what happens and the end result, fingers are more tightly crossed than ever before!
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Not there yet
So last month didn't go to plan, still no baby! We are only a few days from my wife's period due date so we should find out again soon.
I'm getting bored of the trying now which is getting me frustrated. Not with my wife or the donor but with the process and ultimately myself. It's getting really tedious to the point where I'm not enjoying it, we want the final product so desperately but it's getting to be really annoying.
I'm still convinced that it'll be this month or next but it's not making it any easier and until we get a positive test it won't mean anything.
In other news, I got the sex of my ex work colleague's baby right! She had a baby boy on march 3rd. Our friends have had their detailed scan but they didn't find out the sex, they're keeping it a secret so I won't find out until the little one is born.
Anyway, this was a random one. I'll do another post when we know either way about this try, fingers are crossed, hopes are high! Come on baby, we're ready for you!!
I'm getting bored of the trying now which is getting me frustrated. Not with my wife or the donor but with the process and ultimately myself. It's getting really tedious to the point where I'm not enjoying it, we want the final product so desperately but it's getting to be really annoying.
I'm still convinced that it'll be this month or next but it's not making it any easier and until we get a positive test it won't mean anything.
In other news, I got the sex of my ex work colleague's baby right! She had a baby boy on march 3rd. Our friends have had their detailed scan but they didn't find out the sex, they're keeping it a secret so I won't find out until the little one is born.
Anyway, this was a random one. I'll do another post when we know either way about this try, fingers are crossed, hopes are high! Come on baby, we're ready for you!!
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Pregnancy Sixth Sense
We're surrently on 11DPO (days past ovulation) and for some reason it's going really slowly this time around, i feel like it's been about 6 months since my wife had her last period and it's starting to do my head in a bit. Randomly , i have really sore nipples. Now if it was my wife with the sore nipples i think we'd both be getting really excited and be finding it difficult not knowing for certain whether it had worked or not this month with such an obvious symptom. I'm hoping it's part of my sixth sense and that we are pregnant.
Which quite nicely leads into an explaination of what my pregnancy sixth sense is. Basically i can sense when friends or family are pregnant, sometimes even before they know. I know that sounds really weird but i just know, i may not know exactly who is pregnant but i'll have an overwhelming feeling that someone is. Once they're about 10 weeks pregnant i can usually sense the sex of the baby/babies too.
I'm so good at it that i haven't been wrong in about 7 years! Current guesses are that the friends i've spoken about on here are having a boy (they find out in the next few weeks) and an ex work colleague is also having a boy (she was due at the end of February so i guess we'll find out any day now)
I'm currently getting some feeling about us, 1 of 2 things is correct (i think!) so i'm writing it in my blog to see if it comes true. Either we are pregnant this month but we'll test and it'll come up negative and then we'll wait for a few days and re test to get a positive. Or it's not this month but it's either March into April or April in May. I'm just getting "you're almost there" vibes. Don't ask me why but i am.
We shall see in the next few weeks if i'm right on the first theory and the sexes of friends babies.
Which quite nicely leads into an explaination of what my pregnancy sixth sense is. Basically i can sense when friends or family are pregnant, sometimes even before they know. I know that sounds really weird but i just know, i may not know exactly who is pregnant but i'll have an overwhelming feeling that someone is. Once they're about 10 weeks pregnant i can usually sense the sex of the baby/babies too.
I'm so good at it that i haven't been wrong in about 7 years! Current guesses are that the friends i've spoken about on here are having a boy (they find out in the next few weeks) and an ex work colleague is also having a boy (she was due at the end of February so i guess we'll find out any day now)
I'm currently getting some feeling about us, 1 of 2 things is correct (i think!) so i'm writing it in my blog to see if it comes true. Either we are pregnant this month but we'll test and it'll come up negative and then we'll wait for a few days and re test to get a positive. Or it's not this month but it's either March into April or April in May. I'm just getting "you're almost there" vibes. Don't ask me why but i am.
We shall see in the next few weeks if i'm right on the first theory and the sexes of friends babies.
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Onwards
So month 3 didn't work either. We were so much more relaxed about it though and didn't even test, we just waited to see if my wife's period showed and it did.
A few days before it did we had a bit of a heart to heart and a cry about everything. We always knew what this would take but i guess neither of us ever thought that it would quite literally be fertility treatment but without the medical assistance. It can really get to you in a way that you're not expecting and you get to a point where you just want it to work so bad that not a lot else matters.
So this weekend just gone we inseminated again, this time 3 nights on the trot. We were only planning 2 nights but my wife's cycle had a mind of it's own and decided to throw a red herring in the mix which resulted in an extra night. Who knows though, by doing that we may have cracked it!
The donation and insemination process has gotten much easier, our donor comes round with his girlfriend and the awkwardness now seems to have gone, we're all getting to be quite comfortable with each other now which is a bit of a relief!
We'll chat about how we're getting on with the process and life in general for a little while then our donor with pop upstairs for a 'wafty crank' and we'll talk with his girlfriend. Once he's done they go ASAP and we get everything 'in place' as quickly as possible, we've actually got the whole process down to less than 10 minutes from production to insemination!
I'm on some conception and same sex family forums and after talking to other same sex couples i've realised just how lucky we are to have found a guy as open, honest and trustworthy (touch wood!! hang on, that sounds so wrong!!). This is a major thing you're asking of someone and ultimately that they're asking of you. There has to be a big element of trust between you all, if there isn't the trust there it's just not worth the risk.
Oh, 'watch me wank' guy text again. Mate, get the hint and piss off now, you're doing my head in!!
Hopefully i'll be back with good news in a couple of weeks, i'm going to try and do a couple of posts a months from now on whether big or small so watch this space!
A few days before it did we had a bit of a heart to heart and a cry about everything. We always knew what this would take but i guess neither of us ever thought that it would quite literally be fertility treatment but without the medical assistance. It can really get to you in a way that you're not expecting and you get to a point where you just want it to work so bad that not a lot else matters.
So this weekend just gone we inseminated again, this time 3 nights on the trot. We were only planning 2 nights but my wife's cycle had a mind of it's own and decided to throw a red herring in the mix which resulted in an extra night. Who knows though, by doing that we may have cracked it!
The donation and insemination process has gotten much easier, our donor comes round with his girlfriend and the awkwardness now seems to have gone, we're all getting to be quite comfortable with each other now which is a bit of a relief!
We'll chat about how we're getting on with the process and life in general for a little while then our donor with pop upstairs for a 'wafty crank' and we'll talk with his girlfriend. Once he's done they go ASAP and we get everything 'in place' as quickly as possible, we've actually got the whole process down to less than 10 minutes from production to insemination!
I'm on some conception and same sex family forums and after talking to other same sex couples i've realised just how lucky we are to have found a guy as open, honest and trustworthy (touch wood!! hang on, that sounds so wrong!!). This is a major thing you're asking of someone and ultimately that they're asking of you. There has to be a big element of trust between you all, if there isn't the trust there it's just not worth the risk.
Oh, 'watch me wank' guy text again. Mate, get the hint and piss off now, you're doing my head in!!
Hopefully i'll be back with good news in a couple of weeks, i'm going to try and do a couple of posts a months from now on whether big or small so watch this space!
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Hopes and Disappoinments
Given that we're now a couple of months on and i haven't been shouting about just how pregnant we are you can probably gather that we're not. After the first attempt we knew it would probably be a miracle if anything had happened that time around what with the spillage and the nerves.
The next time was really awkward because it fell over Christmas. Our donor was really great about it though and did his thing on Christmas Eve and the 27th. We were actually really hopeful, i got really excited about it because i was convinced it had worked but low and behold that ugly red cow showed up and it was back to the drawing board.
Since then our friends that have been going through the same thing have been successful, they're (well she) is 12 weeks pregnant today. I feel like i'm in that episode of 'Friends' where Rachel and Phoebe are talking about being happy and a little bit jealous of Chandler and Monica's engagement, they start talking about it and they 95% happy and 5% jealous then after a while it gets to almost 50/50. I honestly couldn't be happier for them but i want us to have one of our own!
This weekend just passed we decided we would do multiple donations on consecutive days. We ordered some 'PreSeed' too (sperm friendly lubricant) and used that to try and encourage the little buggers to wake up and swim towards the egg.
We're now waiting again, my wife has stopped taking her temperature in the mornings so that we're not looking for signs in that, i've sworn to leave forums well alone for the same reason and we're generally being way more relaxed about it all. We definitely got the timing good, we inseminated on Saturday and Sunday evening and my wife ovulated on Monday so hopefully by the time the sperm woke up and starting legging it towards the egg it would have been perfect time.
All in all we don't know anything and until a couple of weeks time we wont. I did give the sperm special instructions to 'swim away from the light' and 'find that bloody egg' during insemination though, hopefully they got the hint and i'll be back to report good news a couple of weeks.
The next time was really awkward because it fell over Christmas. Our donor was really great about it though and did his thing on Christmas Eve and the 27th. We were actually really hopeful, i got really excited about it because i was convinced it had worked but low and behold that ugly red cow showed up and it was back to the drawing board.
Since then our friends that have been going through the same thing have been successful, they're (well she) is 12 weeks pregnant today. I feel like i'm in that episode of 'Friends' where Rachel and Phoebe are talking about being happy and a little bit jealous of Chandler and Monica's engagement, they start talking about it and they 95% happy and 5% jealous then after a while it gets to almost 50/50. I honestly couldn't be happier for them but i want us to have one of our own!
This weekend just passed we decided we would do multiple donations on consecutive days. We ordered some 'PreSeed' too (sperm friendly lubricant) and used that to try and encourage the little buggers to wake up and swim towards the egg.
We're now waiting again, my wife has stopped taking her temperature in the mornings so that we're not looking for signs in that, i've sworn to leave forums well alone for the same reason and we're generally being way more relaxed about it all. We definitely got the timing good, we inseminated on Saturday and Sunday evening and my wife ovulated on Monday so hopefully by the time the sperm woke up and starting legging it towards the egg it would have been perfect time.
All in all we don't know anything and until a couple of weeks time we wont. I did give the sperm special instructions to 'swim away from the light' and 'find that bloody egg' during insemination though, hopefully they got the hint and i'll be back to report good news a couple of weeks.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Donation Day...
So this weekend just gone we knew would be the one where my wife would be ovulating so we provisionally booked our donor and did the pee stick thing to confirm it.
My wife actually ended up with a positive test a day earlier than we anticipated so we contacted our donor and he arranged to come round that evening for the donation.
We were really nervous but got everything ready so that we weren't wasting time once he was gone. He arrived, we had a bit of a chat and explained that we were nervous about the insemination part but we knew what we needed to do etc and he went upstairs to do his thing.
He reappeared about 15 minutes later, we thanked him and were saying goodbye when he asked us about 4 times if there was anything else we need to ask before he goes. We were completely baffled until i realised that we hadn't seen his STI certificate, DO NOT FORGET THIS!!. Make sure it's definitely your donors too by checking it against some photo ID.
Anyway, we ran upstairs and started to prepare for insemination.
Donation and Insemination Checklist
We ended up losing some of the sperm before it had managed to get anywhere near my wife, i was trying to clear the bubbles from the syringe and it jerked and went everywhere. luckily we had some toilet roll on hand and i know that next time, i'll do it differently!
The main piece of advise i can give is to listen to your partner and pay attention to her body language. The chances are that one of you will have a little bit of a freak out and that person will probably be the one in receipt of the sperm. I know that this was true of us, if it happens, take a couple of minutes and relax her. Don't rush it.
After insemination we lay in bed for a couple of hours (its advised that you do for at least 20 minutes afterwards) just to make sure we give it our best shot. For the couple of days since we've taken it easy, i think it'll stay this way until we know whether or not its worked.
We're giving it 3 weeks before we test, at least that way if it hasn't worked my wife will have started and we'll give it a go next month. We're trying not to get too excited but are remaining hopeful at the same time.
My wife actually ended up with a positive test a day earlier than we anticipated so we contacted our donor and he arranged to come round that evening for the donation.
We were really nervous but got everything ready so that we weren't wasting time once he was gone. He arrived, we had a bit of a chat and explained that we were nervous about the insemination part but we knew what we needed to do etc and he went upstairs to do his thing.
He reappeared about 15 minutes later, we thanked him and were saying goodbye when he asked us about 4 times if there was anything else we need to ask before he goes. We were completely baffled until i realised that we hadn't seen his STI certificate, DO NOT FORGET THIS!!. Make sure it's definitely your donors too by checking it against some photo ID.
Anyway, we ran upstairs and started to prepare for insemination.
Donation and Insemination Checklist
- Cup for your donor to donate into (must be sterile)
- Syringe (without needle and again, must be sterile)
- Toilet roll (to deal with any spills)
- Pillows (to help keep your partners pelvis raised after insemination and to keep her comfortable whilst she lies there)
- Lubricant (if you are using lubricant, make sure it doesn't affect the sperm. Most normal lubricants will)
We ended up losing some of the sperm before it had managed to get anywhere near my wife, i was trying to clear the bubbles from the syringe and it jerked and went everywhere. luckily we had some toilet roll on hand and i know that next time, i'll do it differently!
The main piece of advise i can give is to listen to your partner and pay attention to her body language. The chances are that one of you will have a little bit of a freak out and that person will probably be the one in receipt of the sperm. I know that this was true of us, if it happens, take a couple of minutes and relax her. Don't rush it.
After insemination we lay in bed for a couple of hours (its advised that you do for at least 20 minutes afterwards) just to make sure we give it our best shot. For the couple of days since we've taken it easy, i think it'll stay this way until we know whether or not its worked.
We're giving it 3 weeks before we test, at least that way if it hasn't worked my wife will have started and we'll give it a go next month. We're trying not to get too excited but are remaining hopeful at the same time.
Establishing Contact
So, after the last post i jumped striaight back on the internet in an attempt to find a normal guy that was available to donate possibly in time for the wifes ovulation this weekend just gone.
First of all i should say that it hit me seriously seriously hard. I felt like a failure because i felt like it was my job to bring the sperm, i'm not making the baby this time round so surely i should bring the sperm? Anyway, it crushed me, i'd had a bad day up until that point and it basically pulled the rug from under me. I know that sounds melodramatic but it was horrible.
I emailed a couple of guys on one website then revisited some of the profiles we had previously liked on another. We came across the profile of a guy we had really liked a couple of months before but at that time he wasn't donating.
We emailed him and straight away got off to a fantastic start, he's funny and has the correct eye and hair colour, and seemed to be really easy to get on with. After emailing back and forth he sent us his phone number.
The next evening we called him and spoke for a good hour, laughing most of the time! It was so much better than talking to Pervy McPerv, we all got on really well. We arranged for him to come to ours for a drink a few days later to talk things over and to get to know each other a little better.
The meeting came round really really quickly, we decided to go out to a not so local pub (we're still not telling our families, we don't need the extra pressure just yet!) we talked and swapped stories for 5 hours in the end and we're very impressed with him and his reasons for donating and knew straight away that we wanted him to be our donor.
So all in all, we went from losing a donor to finding and even better one in the space of a few days! Good times!!
First of all i should say that it hit me seriously seriously hard. I felt like a failure because i felt like it was my job to bring the sperm, i'm not making the baby this time round so surely i should bring the sperm? Anyway, it crushed me, i'd had a bad day up until that point and it basically pulled the rug from under me. I know that sounds melodramatic but it was horrible.
I emailed a couple of guys on one website then revisited some of the profiles we had previously liked on another. We came across the profile of a guy we had really liked a couple of months before but at that time he wasn't donating.
We emailed him and straight away got off to a fantastic start, he's funny and has the correct eye and hair colour, and seemed to be really easy to get on with. After emailing back and forth he sent us his phone number.
The next evening we called him and spoke for a good hour, laughing most of the time! It was so much better than talking to Pervy McPerv, we all got on really well. We arranged for him to come to ours for a drink a few days later to talk things over and to get to know each other a little better.
The meeting came round really really quickly, we decided to go out to a not so local pub (we're still not telling our families, we don't need the extra pressure just yet!) we talked and swapped stories for 5 hours in the end and we're very impressed with him and his reasons for donating and knew straight away that we wanted him to be our donor.
So all in all, we went from losing a donor to finding and even better one in the space of a few days! Good times!!
Friday, 18 November 2011
All isn't quite what it seems...
Well, it would appear that we didn't make the best judgement.
The guy we were hoping to meet up with and then possibly have him donate sent me a text on Tuesday. We'd not heard from or contacted him in 2 weeks. The following is EXACTLY what was sent to us.....
"Hi when you come round would you watch me produce the sample as this helps me produce more and quickly also"
Excuse my language but....What the FUCK!??! We're lesbians.....real life lesbians....not the fake I'm a lesbian because men are useless kind!
I showed my wife the message and after sitting there just staring at each other in silence we burst into hysterical laughter for a good half an hour. We were in shock.
Straight away we knew that he was no longer ever going to be our donor and we're so thankful to him for asking us instead of us actually going to see him. Can you imagine, "here's a cup, we'll wait here,"... *whips willy out* awkward.
The moral of the story is question EVERYTHING. You have to be so sure about this decision, if there's even the most minimalistic doubt you must question it and if you're still not sure it's a big fat NO!
So it's back to the drawing board for us....
The guy we were hoping to meet up with and then possibly have him donate sent me a text on Tuesday. We'd not heard from or contacted him in 2 weeks. The following is EXACTLY what was sent to us.....
"Hi when you come round would you watch me produce the sample as this helps me produce more and quickly also"
Excuse my language but....What the FUCK!??! We're lesbians.....real life lesbians....not the fake I'm a lesbian because men are useless kind!
I showed my wife the message and after sitting there just staring at each other in silence we burst into hysterical laughter for a good half an hour. We were in shock.
Straight away we knew that he was no longer ever going to be our donor and we're so thankful to him for asking us instead of us actually going to see him. Can you imagine, "here's a cup, we'll wait here,"... *whips willy out* awkward.
The moral of the story is question EVERYTHING. You have to be so sure about this decision, if there's even the most minimalistic doubt you must question it and if you're still not sure it's a big fat NO!
So it's back to the drawing board for us....
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